What is Love Anyway?

1950s/60s teen idol Ricky Nelson sang the hit song Garden Party. The chorus is as follows:

But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself.

There is truth to this profound statement. But I’d like to amend these words just a bit:

But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can’t love anyone, till you learn to love yourself.

Any life devoid of love isn’t much of a life at all. I truly feel for those souls wandering the earth, never living, never loving, and never discovering just how great they really are. "Much of the confusion we experience in this life comes from simply not understanding who we are.” [i]

     It's become oh so clear to me recently that any quest for finding and maintaining love for others must include an understanding of who we are, while learning to love ourselves. And this isn't an unrighteous desire, despite warnings to avoid selfishness. If we fail to love ourselves, in relishing who we are, how can we expect to love others? And therein lies happiness, in loving others. I want happiness and I want LOVE. We all should.
     But before we can love ourselves, and conversely, love others, the start of our quest must begin with loving God. 

Loving God

“Come unto Christ and love God with all your might, mind and strength" (Moro. 10:32; see also Mark 12:30; Matt. 22:37; Deut. 6:5; Luke 10:27; Moro. 10:32; D&C 59:5). And don't forget the pure love of Christ: Charity. (see Moro. 7:44–47; 2 Ne. 26:30).“Wherefore, my beloved brethren pray unto the Father with all the energy of [your] heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son,Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him” (Moro. 7:48).

Loving the Lord helps us in learning to love ourselves and then others. Our love for the Lord positions us to see ourselves as worthy of His love and to see as Christ see us. Remember this choice nugget, "Christ did not wait to love us until we were perfect or had fully developed our ability to love Him.” [ii]

     The knowledge that we all are children of God, that we have a Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us, is the most important and fulfilling sense of belonging attainable and the impact on our self worth is priceless. “Behold, thou art Nephi, and I am God” (Helaman10:6). What comforting words these must have been even to this prophet. The Lord was aware of his needs. He knew of his joys and his sorrows. He knew Nephi. 
     This calming declaration surely brought solace to the mind of Nephi and others like him who have embraced this fact. Certainly such thoughts should speak peace to our souls as well - even healing the wounded heart. They lend credibility that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. That we are truly children of a loving Heavenly Father. And despite our own limitations, shortcomings, and struggles, we are never alone, whether during our darkest moments or brightest days. 

Loving ourselves
     My struggles were related to my faith in God. I always knew I was a good, virtuous person and I knew God loved me. But my difficulties were in my physical appearance. I believed what others said about me. I heeded their words. All this began to take a toll on other aspects of my being. Now I don't blame anyone. Regardless the person, despite their words, I had the choice in how to respond. Granted, words of confidence and support would have been more appropriate on their part, and appreciated on mine, but it's my life and I control how I respond.
     As I made certain changes in my life, I began to disregard the words and thoughts of others. I started to see myself in a new light and I began to love all of me, not just some of me. And you know one of the greatest "side effects" of this transition? I genuinely began to see in others as I feel God sees them - as they want to be seen. I began to love them. Now I still struggle with loving everyone. Don't we all. But this is a process. It won't happen over night. Nor should it. In discovering myself, I started to love myself. And now the circuit is beginning to complete itself: I now know I can love others. 

     For others this fear or inability to love themselves stems from poor past choices and sins. Forgiving themselves proves to be their biggest hurdle to true happiness and real love. I love these two quotes on this matter; you will too: 

“Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend.”[iii]

Echoing these sweet words, President J. Reuben Clark Jr. observed:

“I feel that [the Savior] will give that punishment which is the very least that our transgression will justify. I believe that he will bring into his justice all of the infinite love and blessing and mercy and kindness and understanding which he has. … And on the other hand, I believe that when it comes to making the rewards for our good conduct, he will give us the maximum that it is possible to give, having in mind the offense which we have committed.”[iv]

What is love anyway, if it isn't shared with those who love us most? 


Loving Others
For some, loving others isn't too difficult. They seem to be annoyingly oozing with love for all. But for the rest of us, we struggle here. It's finding ways to love the unlovable that proves a challenge. Too many make it nearly impossible to love them. Maybe they feel they aren't worthy of anyone's love. They might reason that love can be fleeting so why invest themselves in loving anyone, including themselves. The real beauty and essence of love is this:

Love LOVES the unlovable. 

Love is all encompassing and comprehensive; not selective. It holds no bounds and is eternal. Love spans the heavens and reaches all times. It is void of selfish desire and motives. It doesn't keep score and never asks, "What's in it for me?"

Maybe this path to love coupled with happiness sounds too perfect, too simple. But love and happiness can be perfect and we certainly make it more difficult than we need too. But there does remain one more crucial element to this recipe: 

allowing others to love us. 

Opening ourselves for others to love and loving ourselves may be the most difficult things we ever do. They both require a dedicated investment of time and effort. A certain amount of fear is understandably present. But they also require patience. Yes, there is that dreaded word so many fear. But as the saying goes: "anything worth doing is worth doing right." 
    

One more note, love not put into action, benefits no one. It must be nurtured, expressed, and shared.

Be Good!

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[i] President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Reflection in the Water,” CES Fireside, November 1, 2009.
[ii] Marleen Williams, “Living a Covenant Marriage”-get stats, 86..
[iii] J. Reuben Clark, Jr., “As Ye Sow . . .” Brigham Young University address, 3 May 1955.

[iv] Orson F. Whitney, Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110.