Pick a Lane, will ya Buddy!

I felt it was time to have a little fun and mix things up. This is actually a continued post from October 2011, with a few new additions.

Note: in no way am I claiming that my driving technique is the best approach (but you'd be wrong to think otherwise). I'm not suggesting you even adhere to how I drive (although you should). So don't take it personal (but you might). This post is intended to be a bit sarcastic, a bit anal, but it's also just a fun way to vent. Some of these are actual UT laws, while the rest, their just meant to make me happy.

Now then, it has become very clear to me, that the biggest problem with the way other people drive is they don't drive like me (of course the biggest problem with other people in general is that they aren't like me - and yes, I'm kidding). So I've come up with a list of the driving habits of those around me that drive me insane: 

• Please people, be aware of what is not only ahead of you, but what is behind you. While you generally aren't responsible for what happens behind you, you are not the only one on the road. I know, shocker. And you know, even if it is the other driver's fault, I still don't want my car mashed.
• Drive consistently. How often do you get behind a car going, say 5 mph under the speed limit, then finally when you can legally and safely pass, does the driver change lanes and speed up or exit? Or they drive fast, they drive slow, fast, slow, brake, fast, brake, brake, brake, slow . . . make up your mind and pick a speed already!
•  If you come across an accident, don't become a part of it. Get over and out of the way. And while you’re at it, keep moving. Unless you are a first responder to an accident, there is little to nothing you can do to help. Quit adding to the problem. And for crying out loud, if you see a police car off to the side of the road, lights flashing, if there is a free lane to move to and if you can do so, move over! In Utah, at least, it is the law. I''d even suggest moving over for even a stranded motorist.
• If you suddenly feel the need to cut me off, at least have the decency to quickly match my speed. I really don't care to unexpectedly discover from my near miss with your bumper that you ran Ragnar, rode LOTOJA, or that your other car is a broom. Move! I mean that is great you have the sticker to prove your athletic achievements, but I really don't care.
• Continuing from above: if I let you in and I usually will (usually), match my speed. Don't suddenly slow down and decide now is the time for a pleasure drive.
• And while we're here, take your leisurely Sunday drives on Sunday - not Monday morning, during rush hour (or any other day/time for that matter . . . including Sunday).
• Don't tailgate me, especially when the car in front of me and the car in front of them and the car in front of them and the car . . . (you get the picture) can't go any faster than we are currently going. Of course don't tailgate me even if there isn't someone in front of me. 
• When the sign says merge, merge! Don't wait until you have passed a hundred more cars, nearly clipping everyone's side mirrors as you whip by and with no more road left, to then slow down, even stopping, before you finally use your turn signal, and try to force your way in.
• Use your turn signal. You paid for it when you bought the car. I don't recall the dealer saying, "Alright, so for an additional $100 I'll throw in the optional turn signal package - we're talking both left AND right blinkers." And if you do use them (but you should), use them before you make your turn or merge into a new lane.
• Know where you are going and prepare/plan ahead. Oh how frightening it can be to see a tricked-out 4x4, 3/4-ton diesel beast suddenly emerge from the HOV lane, violently bearing down on you, to then scream through the other three lanes in an attempt to exit the freeway.
• If the speed limit reads 65, go 75. Okay, maybe that one shouldn't be open to interpretation. At least go the speed limit. And at the very least go with the flow of traffic (warning: you can still be ticketed going with the flow, if the flow is exceeding the speed limit).  
• So your car is the first car at a red light. The light turns green. GO! So your car is the second car at a red light. The light turns green. GO! So your car . . . again I think you get the picture.  There are plenty of people behind you hoping to make that same light. In Europe, if you aren't gassing through the intersection the second the light turns green, they are laying on the horn to get you to move. I'm suggesting more patience, but don't dally through.
• That hairy creature in the back of your truck, that would be your dog, he is not a couch, a barbecue grill, or a mattress. Bring him into the cab or leave him home. The roadway makes a horrible airbag for any pet. If you want to leave your seat belt off, fine (but you really shouldn't). Just don't punish your dog for your stupidity.
• And speaking of that couch, mattress, or barbecue grill, and while we're at it, let's add a sewing machine and lawn chair . . . tie them down. When they say "share the road," I don't think they meant sharing everything with the road.
• Much like the blinkers being a non-optional feature to your car, so too are the seat belts. Just by way of review: they are attached to the inner sides of both the front and back seats. They often do match the color of your car's interior, so they might blend in. Let's wear them. Again it is the law here in UT.
• When you notice someone needing to change lanes (unless they didn't merge a mile back when they should have) let them in. Don't speed up so they can't change lanes. And don't pretend you didn't see them either. 
• When I let you change lanes or exit a parking lot onto the main road, acknowledge my kind gesture with a hand wave. I'll even show my appreciation with a head nod or raise of the eyes.
• Control your anger. People, there are drivers out there with guns in their cars. I appreciate the fact that you may have just been cut off. But that sweet little grandma who nearly dinged you, she may be packing heat. And keep your fingers to yourself.
• Stow the makeup away, put your beverage down, and quit texting. The worst I ever saw was a woman sticking her left leg out her window, a soda in her left hand, steering with her right hand . . . while smoking! I wasn't sure whether I was impressed or frightened. 
• Don't cut in front of big rigs. Your Smart car is basically a bug to one of these behemoths. Stay alive.

Let's take the next exit and park for a moment now. Okay. 

• Truth be told, the stalls in parking lots today just don't seem big enough to deal with the larger vehicles on the road. That said, can we please just use one stall per car? I get that you love your 1982 rust-colored Datsun (oh wait, that's just rust, sorry) or your 1976 Chevy Chevette, but c'mon. I don't care for a new pinstripe of pea green on my car. So if you do park next to me, please, please, don't ding my doors. While I may not drive a luxury sedan, I do like my car.
• 30 minute parking means 30 minute parking. I know you are only going to be a few minutes, but so am I. 
• Practice the "every other one" method when exiting a sporting event or concert. Simply put it goes like this: I go, you go, I go, you go. Brilliant approach and we all win, even if your team just lost.
• If you want lung cancer, be my guest; smoke your brains out while you drive. But please, please, please do not light up when kids are with you. You addiction shouldn't be their killer.
• Don't Drink and Drive! Enough said!

Special thanks to the Utah Driver Handbook.

Just so we are clear, again much of the above was just a sarcastic and fun approach - the highlights and joy that is mine as I drive from home to work and back.