Honoring Women

I planned to write an entry on the outstanding men; a kind of positive response to an earlier blog post I wrote on women. But at the moment I am too annoyed because of the callous treatment at the hands of some of these "men" to draft anything resembling complimentary. So this may be a bit redundant, but allow me a moment to honor again the women in my life. As already mentioned, this post will be similar to an earlier blog entry I recently wrote on this topic. We'll consider this entry Part II.

You see, over the years I've listened to some of the most amazing women as they've shared their sorrows and pains due to their ex-husband's selfish involvement in pornography, alcoholism, other related affairs. They've emotionally recounted the physical, emotional, verbal, abuse they endured and most harmful of all, the spiritual anguish they've suffered at the hands of these so-called men . . . and I'm not a bishop. I've sat with them as they related the harmful of effects of uncontrolled anger. One spiritual giant even shared the pain she encountered due to her husband's involvement with prostitution. Yet despite these travails, these women fight on. And while most men clearly aren't guilty of such offenses and some women struggle with these same transgressions, the fact remains these women are the living embodiment of our Savior Jesus Christ. They sacrifice current happiness to ensure their children's future joys - often silently suffering alone. And while they may not forget these nightmares, they do forgive.

Recently I was reading in the Book of Mormon and I came across a scripture I've studied numerous times. But during this reading, these verses caught my attention more so than in readings past. Maybe my mind was more in tune to deep spiritual impressions, because this study was a real eye opener.

In the closing verse of Jacob 2:35, the Nephite men are under condemnation for their various misdeeds. In response to their sinful mistreatment of His precious daughters, Jacob sends forth the following severe chastisement:

"Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds." Ouch!

Earlier in the chapter, the Lord informs:

"I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands. And I will not suffer . . . that the cries of the fair daughters of this people . . . shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts." That last part might appear as though God is defending the men. At first glance it might appear so. But the very next verse clarifies the Lord's statement: "For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction . . ." This destruction isn't going to be visited upon His daughters. So to us men again I say, "Ouch!"

These chastising words are as relevant for the Nephites of old as they are for those in our day. While the transgressions might differ, the plea for repentance remains the same.

"Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears" (President Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Nov. 1990, 47). And contrast that warning with a striking one from President Gordon B. Hinckley, "God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters" (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11). I have a feeling that the world's oceans aren't deep enough to hold the tears of all the women hurt by those who should have loved them most.

I am amazed at how many of these remarkable divorcees have emerged stronger, somehow standing taller, and if possible more beautiful from some such fractured marriages. They have developed a more resilient positive outlook for the future, dedicated to serving and honoring God. In many cases they have sacrificed personal happiness for the betterment of their family, friends, and neighbors. I see how incredibly amazing these women are and I am astounded that any man would live a life that would risk hurt one of these sweet souls.

Paul stated, "Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man in the Lord." Lately though, it seems as though there are plenty of women making a go of it alone, but not by choice.

Perhaps this post is as much a tribute to the many amazing women as it is a challenge to men everywhere (or at least those reading this post) to stand and rise up and be men of God. I further challenge myself to be better than I am and to continue in Christlike treatment of the amazing women in my life. Men, it's time to raise your own personal title of liberty in defense of the women and children in your life.

I can honestly say that I look up to the women in my life. While not physically, definitely in all areas that matter most.


***Out of respect to a commenter, I feel it is important to further stress that in no way is this a commentary on all women - or all men. This was my attempt to recognize the women in my life who are striving to live the best lives they can despite the setbacks they've suffered. I have quite a few male family members and friends who have met and married women who lived lives contrary to God's standards. And the vast majority of men are amazing fathers, husbands, brothers, and so forth (I consider myself one and look forward to being a better husband and father in the future). This post may have been a bit strong.

What Are You Worth?

A friend once said to me: “You are a life saver." Knowing I really wasn’t, I jokingly replied, "You know, typically there is some form of monetary reward for saving a life." Not catching my joke, she responded, "Oh I didn't mean like that." I knew this and so added, "Of course you could have countered with, 'You know, typically saving the life of another is its own reward.'" And had she said this, she would have been correct. But that little exchange got me thinking. What is a life worth? Well let's first look at some of the fun but maybe creepy figures.

The cash value of all the elements within your body, combined with the average total area of skin per person, is a whopping $4.50! Not sure how that makes you feel. But at least you're a bargain. Other sources are a bit more generous: most insurance companies come in at about $50,000. Not bad, but that still seems awfully low. Stanford economists push that up a bit to $129,000 - a marked improvement (also considered the value of one year of quality life). When a solider is tragically killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, the US government pays the family $500,000 as a death benefit. But one source stood out more than most, valuing a human life at an astounding $45 million dollars! That’s better. In fact a lung is going for $116,400. Need a kidney? They are going for $91,400. And a heart, broken or not, will cost you $57,000. 

All told, the average value of a human life is about $10.5 million. And yes, attempting to place a value on a human life is a bit unethical and disturbing.

So the next time you say you feel like a million bucks, try again. You're selling yourself short (or maybe much too high). And if you are planning on being an organ donor, you might want to hold out for more. Of course these numbers drop dramatically if you are deceased.

But all this brings us to the true theme of this blog post:

What is the worth of a soul?

Remove the accolades, the job, the titles (outside of mom, dad, brother, sister, son, daughter, etc), and any real or imagined fame - Who are you? Where do you stand and what do you stand for? How do you value yourself?

Obviously we can’t place a price or monetary value on a soul. To begin with, we can’t own a soul. We belong to God. Yet even with this verity, too many souls wander through life seeking a firm (even a simple) understanding of who they are as they try to find their purpose and place. And still even more simply go through the motions, existing in the safe confines of their comfort zone – merely surviving but never truly living. For such individuals, the answers to their life questions are left bogged down in mystery, uncertainty, and frustration.

During this earthly sojourn, many will experience the sometimes overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness, that perfection is unattainable. The good news of course is that in this life, perfection is both unattainable and beyond our reach. Our imperfections are a result of living in an imperfect world, as well as possessing imperfect bodies. We entered this life lacking the ability and knowledge to become perfect.

As we engage in this quest of self discovery, we will encounter plenty of character challenging obstacles. One of the most debilitating is fear. Fear can be as destructive a force as any and is one of Satan’s great weapons employed in his arsenal to demoralize self worth, demoting us to his level of misery. But just as “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent,”[i] we know Satan’s influence on us is only as effective as we allow it to be. When we choose to let fear become a dominant factor in our lives, we are accepting a path leading not to one of happiness, but a rugged trail of misery and accepted loneliness. In fact, we are choosing to live life in opposition to the manner our Father in Heaven wants for us-thereby we lack joy.

Allowing any fear to control us to the point that we walk away from realizing our fullest potential, is a frightening proposition. Sadly though, this realization of what we’ve “lost” is often only understood in retrospect-the “what might have beens” of life.

So what are we afraid of? What keeps us from not only reaching our fullest potential, but even working towards it? 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

One way in which we acknowledge God's love, His hand in our lives, and our gratitude for His gifts is by sharing ourselves with the world. Of course the world will always devalue you. So what matters is how you value yourself. Does your value rise and fall with the stocks? Do you listen to and heed how other's view you? Well it's time to invest in You! It's time for you to be Great!

So quit comparing yourself to others. Quit devaluing yourself when you "fail" or fall short of potential. So you aren't the biggest, strongest, fastest, best at everything. And so what if someone else is seen by others as all around "better." Just be the best you, you can be. When you see yourself in the mirror, the hope someday is to see yourself as God sees you. Until then, you should see a beautiful, imperfect person - full of potential and endless worth. 

The Savior’s love, mercy, and atoning sacrifice complete that which we cannot. He fulfills our shortfalls. Doing the impossible alone leads nowhere. With Christ, all things are possible. 

Even when you feel unworthy of another's love, including your own, "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;" He does not, will not, and I believe cannot, value one soul more than another. His Love is unconditional. He loves the sinner as He loves the saint.  To God we are priceless. And if possible, more so. In God’s eyes, we are everything to Him. 

And know this, WHO you ARE is always more important than what you are (the divine titles excluded). What you are comes and goes. It changes with time, age, and desire. What you will become certainly matters, but only in your quest in discovering who you are. Who you are will always matter. 

None of us knows when we'll be called home. And very few are aware of the lives we are touching for good. Now is the time to Learn to love yourself, to Learn to love others, and to Learn to Love Life!

How much are you getting out of that $4.50? Hopefully you're living a priceless life!

Be Good!

(Oh, one more fact. As it stands, women are worth more than men and it's not even close. In other words, invest in women).

---

[i] Eleanor Roosevelt, quoted in Vidette-Messenger (Valparaiso, Ind.), 7 June 1941-06-07

Doing Hard Things

I choose to DO hard things. 

Look, I already know what I can do. And we can all try things. And yes, to some extent there is still a challenge in doing those things. I even struggle with some of them still. But I want to discover what else I can do. I want to challenge myself. I want to grow. I want to live more, do more, and be more. Wanna come along for the ride? Ready for the journey? Let’s go!

        So why hard things? Why choose to do hard things? . . . and this is a choice. Well before Sir Edmund Hillary conquered Everest in 1953, he was . . . Edmund Hillary - sans Sir. The mountain was there eons before his climb and it will continue to stand supreme for time to come. But just like the mountain, his accomplishment is forever. He saw something as of yet unconquered and chose to defeat it. But in so doing he accomplished something more personal, something more impressive than a mountain. Later he said, "It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."

In doing hard things we indeed conquer ourselves. We conquer those areas we may not like or areas we wish to knock the rough edges off of. And let's not get too carried away into believing that we have to perfectly conquer the challenges we take on. Attempting anything hard is an accomplishment! Doing nothing, not trying is failure. Too many sit on the sidelines, wanting to join the throngs, but they hold back. Fearful of taking the risk. Too afraid. Too afraid to fail, and too afraid to even try.

        Look to Martin Luther King, Jr. He dedicated his life to a cause that not only blessed and improved the lives of black Americans, but all Americans, and mankind as a whole. Safe would have been sitting back, reasoning that someone else would stand for justice. He could have argued that there were simpler, safer fights to engage in. And let's remember it was Dr. King who said, "I have a dream . . ." not "I have a wish" or "I've put some thoughts together" or even, "Wouldn't it be cool if . . ." Then he delivered on that dream, a dream that cost him his life.

"Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered -- either by themselves or by others"-Mark Twain. And we could add "Visionaries, Adventurers, Scholars, Inventors, Musicians, Artists, Explorers, Be-ers, and Doers." What if Columbus arrived in the new world, took a glance, then uttered, "Close enough, now let’s go home." 

        Mother Theresa, Ferdinand Magellan, Henry Ford, Rosa Parks, Walt Disney, the Wright Brothers, and so many, many more - pick your favorite. They all have one thing in common: they chose to do the scary, the impossible, the once unconquerable. They chose to challenge what others thought couldn't be done, maybe even shouldn't be done. They chose to do hard things . . .

This isn't a call for the next Steve Jobs, Abraham Lincoln, or George Lucas, or even Einstein. We don't need more of them anyhow - they had their shot, their time. There's only one YOU. This is YOU time! It's time to be the next best YOU, YOU can become.

        To be sure, DOING hard things requires courage, faith, passion, desire, love, hope, and patience. Yea I know, patience. Ugh! Sorry. And DOING difficult things can be scary. But any other way and everyone would be doing hard things. And they would no longer be called Hard Things. They would simply be Things. Boring. There wouldn't be any risk, no challenge, no gain. There would be no inner discovery and most importantly, no personal growth.

Tomorrow is a new day. What hard things will you engage in? Maybe it will be getting out of bed when the alarm sounds. Hey, it's got to start somewhere. Maybe it will be asking that girl out (for you women, ask him out). Maybe it will be a mile, a marathon, a triathlon. Maybe it will be Everest or your Everest. Regardless what it is, get up, get out, get moving. It's time to DO!

"Results? Why, man, I have gotten lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward . . ." -Thomas Edison.  Edison is famous for many things: the phonograph, the motion picture camera, and the electric light bulb. But for all his accomplishments, he's equally famous for his perseverance amid his so called "failures."

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
 

He famously added, "None of my inventions came by accident. I see a worthwhile need to be met and I make trial after trial until it comes. What it boils down to is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration."

        And consider this, what if Edison hadn't dedicated himself to hard work and invented the light bulb. Well, we'd still have the light bulb, but instead of it being an Edison invention, they history books would credit someone else. Someone willing to DO the Work.

A word of caution though. As we begin this journey of challenging ourselves, we cannot neglect other areas of our lives that are strong. I love the gym. But if I work just my right arm, the muscles of my left arm will atrophy and weakness will set in. We can not neglect our strengths while working on our weaknesses. And in our personal discovery, we will uncover weaknesses. During these moments, we must also allow for times of so-called "failure." Or to follow Edison, we need to find ways to improve after finding what doesn't work. And then keep trying and doing.

        One final thought from the spiritual side: The apostle James admonishes all to “Be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only.” Contrast that with the Lord’s words in modern scripture: Thou shalt not be idle; for he that is idle shall not eat the bread nor wear the garments of the laborer.” (D&C 42:42.) Putting these words to actions, we learn just that, now is the time to get up and get doing.   

So once again, what will you Invent today . . . ?

or Discover
or Create
or Photograph
or Compose
or Write . . .

Whatever you do, challenge yourself,
but challenge yourself in doing hard things.

I try because I can. I do because I am.


Be Good!

The Button Queen

Have you ever looked back at your high school self and just wanted to throttle him or her? Do you wish you could sit that precious little teenage you down and have a heart-to-heart chat; you know, set them straight a little as to what cool really is? I have. And more times than once.

If I could visit my 17-year old self, I think I'd instruct him somewhat on the following episode. It involves the Button Queen. 

During my junior year of high school, I ate lunch in the hallway with one of my best friends. I suppose we were to cool to eat in the lunchroom. At least we thought we were. But that doesn't really matter and is beside the point. 

As we sat next to our lockers one particular Monday afternoon, chatting about quantum physics I believe, a timid, pathetic creature approached. Lumbering toward us, in all her gawky glory was the Button Queen!  

She was a homely little thing. Most likely just as awkward and distant as any other sophomore teenage girl. But she stuck out more than most. You see the Button Queen had long unkempt, dishwater blonde hair, and donned, since it was 90s fashion acceptable, a pair of over-sized round-framed glasses. She wore some unflattering khaki-type pants; once white, now ashen gray dirty deck shoes; and a white long-sleeved turtle neck. But to top it off, the Coup de grâce, an unflattering, bright canary-yellow, home-ec-made vest -- which on its own was a distraction. But completing this uninspiring ensemble, Ms. Button Queen had adorned her puffy yellow nightmare with buttons of differing sizes, bearing cute and clever little messages. You know like, "I Love Kitties" or "I'm not short, I'm fun sized." And I'm sure if I'd looked close enough, through my judgmental teenage eyes, she had a hump too, drooled, and had a tail. 

As the Button Queen neared, my friend quickly composed a little ditty to announce her arrival. It went like this:

"Here comes the Button Queen,
the Button Queen, 

the Button Queen."

And I lost it. I rolled with uncontrolled, unforgiving laughter. But he and by he, I really mean we, we weren't done with her yet. Oh no. While I didn't join this choir of one, there was more to this instant musical hit. Lacking a catchy chorus, the second verse was just as original and creative as the first. You ready for this?   

"There goes the Button Queen,
the Button Queen,
the Button Queen."

Classic.

Oh the hilarity. Now I don't recall my thoughts at the time, but I doubt they were anything of deep respect or profound admiration for the Button Queen. I didn't exactly request my own custom fit yellow vest. With the show over and order restored we resumed our deep, intellectual conversation. And no doubt we also lauded own stylish looks and hallway superiority. 

Well, Tuesday we were again in the same spot, this time discussing international politics and foreign diplomacy when who should appear? That's right, none other than the Button Queen herself. And you guessed it, the choir of one-audience of one, began part two from the previous day. Not as funny as Monday's show, but still good for a laugh.

The next day our discussion on Pre-Columbian art was interrupted with a Button Queen return performance. And the crowd went wild. But a bit subdued. 

Naturally Thursday found us in our usual location debating the finer points of Keynesian Economics. And for the fourth day in a row, we received our daily Button Queen visit. But something was different this time around. Different about her . . . and different about me. Sure, she still donned the same yellow abomination. And she was still alone. But this time I actually looked at her. Looking past her absurd buttons and her vest, and looking beyond the rest of her ensemble, I actually saw her face and I will never forget what I saw. You see, up to this point it hadn't occurred to immature me that she really might not be enjoying all this attention. I mean she kept returning. And I suppose I was also thankful I wasn't on the receiving end of all her "fun." No what I saw was a face long with sadness, embarrassment, and humiliation. She didn't find any of this funny. And really, neither did I. 

Friday rolled around. We were again eating lunch, leaning against our lockers, no doubt enbroiled in some deep exacting discussion as we attempted to reconcile quantum mechanics and general relativity in particle physics and its role in the formation of the universe, when guess who returned? No one. No yellow vest. No buttons. No Button Queen. 

I never saw the Button Queen again. I never learned her name. I never had the chance to say hello. And I never had the chance to apologize. While it is of little use now, I'd like to take a moment and apologize to her. The odds of her ever reading this are slim, at best. And she doesn't need to accept my apology, but I am very sorry. I am sorry I didn't stand up for you. I am sorry, I laughed at you. And I am sorry I never had the chance to actually meet you.

Now I don't want to be too harsh on us. We were seventeen and in high school. We did plenty of other stupid things after that day. And find me a high schooler who didn't behave at times in foolish and obnoxious ways. Heck we all did.  

I don't know why she crossed our paths that week. But while I didn't write the lyrics or sing the song, my behavior was no less excusable. I made no attempt to defend her. My character took a hit that week. I only hope that she is successful in life, successful in love. While I'm sure the vest is stored away somewhere, if styles change dramatically, maybe successful in fashion too. Why not?

I believe each of us knows a Button Queen. Some of us may have been a Button Queen (or King). If she hand't worn her button embellished yellow vest, she most likely would have slipped by, undetected and unknown. We wouldn't have even noticed she was there. We all know those types. Those kids who come and go and never leave a mark or make an impression. Here one day and gone the next.

My wish is that we could all walk a mile or two in another person's shoes, or yellow vest. Let's stop and say hello to these souls and then invite the uninviting, encourage the downtrodden, and share ourselves with the lonely and lost. Especially those who we feel the least welcome. Imagine that day if we had said hello to the Button Queen instead serenading her. 

As I look back on our encounter with the Button Queen, it has become all too painfully clear to me who the pathetic creature that day really was. I know him all too well. Hopefully I've changed since those days. I think I have. 

Be Good!

Representation